Monday, 7 August 2017

The pain of miscarrying

Its been about 8years now. Whole family has been talking about adding a new member to the family. Sis Praise has always wanted a sister all these years. This year she does not think soo. She is afraid of having to compete for Dad's attention. All this time long we have desired a baby girl. We even had a name 'Peace'. Other names are Daisy, Jude(Feminine hebrew for Praise derived from Judah), Eriella(Hebrew...I see God).

I have always imagined her to be smart, intelligent, quiet, loving, feminine, well groomed yet very confident and assertive.

28 June 2017 almost around 4am I received a message: ""Handiti wakati uri kuda mumwe mwana here? You are now pregnant!"" And I believed and received. 

From then, I shopped for baby girl clothes and other nice things I would come across. I did not share the news with anyone. I continued going around like there was no change. There was no other change besides morning sickness. 

One morning I went about my routine of sewing baby sets and hats for my retail shop. I noticed a big red circle where I HD just woken from the bed. My heart thumped. I took a bath and changed my clothes. I did not know what to do. I could not even talk to anyone. Was it what I was thinking? 

I had lower abdominal and back pain. I went back to sleep. The urge to sleep was overwhelming. I must have slept for over four hours when I woke up screeming. My baby had gone. I woke up and cleaned myself again. This time there was more blood and some clots. It had been three months from the day of the night vision. 

I had not named the baby so I had to look at the list and give her a name. She could not have gone nameless. After naming her Peace, I gave away all I had bought for her. I checked my breasts for any milk, there was none. I got some linen savers and maternity pads. 

For six months I could not talk to anyone about it. I grieved on my own. I did not even tell my husband all other kids. The pain was suffocating. Even today I miss her. I think of her. Of the one sided conversation I had with her those three months she was growing inside me. 

I know she could hear me. I know she misses me too. Wherever you are Peace mommie misses and lives you. God willing He will give me another but none will ever replace you. 



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